One More Time With Feeling

To be perfectly honest, I am overwhelmed.

Like, I feel like I am constantly treading water. I'm never moving forward or sinking down. I am just engaged in this costant battle to keep my head above the water.

And, in actuality, I just want to lie down.

For my 5th year high school reunion I got a car that said batman and I was supposed to find robin.

I never did.

I fell down the stairs though.

Things aren't moving forward or backwards or even laterally.

They are just standing still.

I keep getting into the same situation over and over again with a different cast of characters. Except this time it's like when the touring company of Rent came to UMass, tired and uninspired.

I got a fortune today in a fortune cookie that said: "People make plans, fate makes plan successful".

What happens then when a plan is in limbo?


I guess you pray for fate. For something.

When do you know when to let go?

So on Thursday I am getting on a plane for Sweden. I am not prepared. I am awake because I just keep writing lists of all the things I need to do tomorrow. And on the lists are things that inevitably will not get done, and I know won't get done, and I just keep obsessing over them.

Like for instance, I have this insane nagging impulse to buy a lot of underwear. Because many different things could happen. My luggage could get lost and I wouldn't want the people who found it to think I only had old underwear because they could make a judgment that my underwear is a reflection of me -ratty and disgusting. Which I may be but I would rather they made that judgment upon meeting me. Or, something completely unexpected could happen and I could need like 20 pairs of brand new underwear. I dunno. These are honestly the things I think about instead of sleeping.

I think this underwear neurosis stems from an incident that happened when I was in the third grade. That summer I took sailing lessons with my best friend Julie at the yacht club her parents belonged to. I was a complete outsider and everyone was so mean to me and I hated it. But, we were constantly changing in and out of our bathing suits to regular clothes. One time when I was changing my purple polka dotted underwear fell out of my bag and unto the bathroom floor unbeknownst to be. This girl Lisa Patton then took my underwear and held it up in front of everyone (about 15 people boys and girls) and said "Cailin, are these yours?" It was horrible, like coming of age sitcom horrible. I think that's why I obsess about it now. Still.


Yes that is a lot of information. I think it just needs to be out of my head.

-See how it quivers, on the brink.
-What?
-Everything!



I have absolutely no reason to be optimistic about anything. So why the hell not be?

The month of May is always volatile for me.

I always end up wishing I was just someone else. Maybe that should end soon. Maybe it will end when it is June.

On a day like today, I think aaron sorkin could say it best.


"The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless."

in 37 days it will all be ok.


until then i am frantic.


my mother has a theory that people are only so smart. my whole life i have been trying to prove that theory wrong. i wish i wasn't trying anymore. sometimes, i really do wish that i could float and not desperately claw my way through this.


and remember: hubris, ate, nemesis.

I am starting to freak out a little.

My first final is in exactly a month. How is that possible? I am starting to realize that I need to finish all my reading like this week and have all my outlines up to date my next week, and then just hardcore study for the next two. eeek.

I wouldn't mind it, but I suddenly realized how stupidly important these tests are, like determinative of my future important. Ugh and I have such a propensity to fuck up.



"I should just be my own best friend
not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"

once you are tagged you MUST write a blog entry about your 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. in the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged.

1. I sort my m&ms by color before I eat them.

2. I brief my cases for law school on pink paper.

3. If I am bored in class I challenge myself to write as neatly as possible.

4. Every morning when I wake up I check my e-mail, then people.com, then go into the bathroom.

5. I have to clean my ears everyday or they feel really itchy.

6. The first thing I do when I get home from anywhere is to take off my shoes and socks.

I tag: everyone on my friends list. wooo.

ugh.

i just watched chasing amy. i forgot how much i love good kevin smith. exhibit a:

"I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. "


and really all i need is exhibit a.

Yes, I decided to stay in tonight and do property homework even though I am on Spring Break. Really when did I become this person. In college I always had a no work on weekends policy. In high school I didn't even really do homework that often. And now, well now I am rationalizing staying in on a Saturday night because I know I will be hung over next Sunday and won't want to do work.

I wish I was cooler.

I should be asleep.

Instead I am looking at random award winning wedding photography online.

Sometimes I wish I just could fast forward seven years just to see where my life will be.

bed. now.

i love the cello
and the three notes that make the cord
but more so
i love the counter melody
that strives to be heard.

yet, i wonder
if you get.
and if you could ever get it
if you tried.

I honestly considered basing my actions today upon my horoscope that I read in the metro...


I need help!



Back to memo writing.

I hate this,
I hate this,
I hate this.

I love you.

I don't want all my wishes to come true...

just a select few. I don't want to be this bitter anymore.


The truth is, if I had any courage at all, I would change this. But there is a line between knowing and unknowing that is comforting. Especially when you don't know what exactly to do with the truth.

Truth is always somewhat relative anyways. That is what I am learning in law school. That is what I learned from studying history.

"in the midst of the process I had tried to discover the truth not the facts. Then, when the truth was not to be discovered, or discovered could not be understood by me, I could not bear to live with the cold-eyed reproach of the facts."

I have given it some thought and I have come to the conclusion that I just don't believe in love anymore.

In the abstract yes, it seems entirely possible but in real life; well, in real life it just seems futile and overly optimistic, naive even.

And this isn't negative or depressing or anything. It is analogous to when you found out santa wasn't real and everything you thought about christmas shifted and the holiday was forever changed and no longer shiny.

There has just been a shift -a logical, rational shift -it isn't bad it just makes your life different, and I suppose less shiny.

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
I am a writer, I am all that you have hoped on

And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones

(And if you don't love me let me go)